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My Story For His Glory!

I remember being a little girl and my Bigmama (rip my angel) would have me down at the alter during revivals crying out to God. I can hear her now in my ear like a doula helping someone give birth, shouting "Say Jesus Jesus Jesus!" Sometimes she would get so into it; all her words came together to form something only she and God could understand. I didn't know then just how vital that travail at the alter would be for me.

Growing up I was always the church girl, sometimes I even got teased and bullied because of it. I was saved and had my heart set on God at a young age. I used my gifts to glorify God, participating in every auxiliary my church had to offer. I was preaching the word by 16, singing my heart out in the church choir, leading the way in a praise dance, and even putting on a show in the church plays. I was the ultimate church girl, in church 7 days a week. I was all about God and he was all about me.

As I got older something in me wanted more than just what my church had to offer. I got tired of being the church girl, I was tired of being the one who always had to do what was right. A series of things happened in my life, all of which I'm still not ready to share but, I made some bad decisions. The guilt of the decisions I made was a constant harp the devil played in my head over and over again. I was so used to always doing right, and making good decisions that I couldn't handle the thought of me letting God down. This guilt caused me to stray away from the things of God completely. I stopped going to church, I stopped praying (like not even saying grace over my food), I didn't even want to hear gospel music, I was completely disconnected.

Instead of being in church, you could find me in the club. Apart of me would always feel out of place. I was taking shots of patron, which really tastes like a bottle of gasoline to me but I drank it anyway. Sometimes it's like I could hear thoughts in my head saying "you don't belong in here" but I ignored it. I pushed those thoughts out of my mind and partied harder. I was running away from what I knew God had called me to. I ran so far from God until I couldn't hear or feel him at all. I was sinking in sin, I was lost. I was going to and fro trying different things that really wasn't fulfilling to me or my purpose.

Something changed after I gave birth to my daughter. I wanted to pass down to her what my mother and bigmama had taught me but, I was so far gone I just didn't know how. I didn't know how to reach God anymore. I recall a time when I called my mom and asked her how do I get back to where I was with him. She made it seem so simple but, the voices in my head were telling me that I would never get back to that place again. I'm sure you're thinking, with all you know about God how could you think he wouldn't accept you back? well thats just how disconnected I was. I was out of my mind. I was depressed and sinking. Smiling on the outside and drowning on the inside and some people around me didn't even know.

I started back going to church and reading more about Gods forgiveness until I realized that he had forgiven me but, it was me who had not yet forgiven myself. I remember the alter call at church, it was my chance to make a declaration to God that I was welcoming him back in my heart. I went to the alter and fell to my knees. I cried out as if no one else was there but, God and I.

I could hear my Bigmama in my ear again, she was my doula helping me give birth to my deliverance at the alter. I could hear her voice saying call his name, say "Jesus Jesus Jesus!" I called on his name over and over again until my words formed into something that only he and I could understand. My God restored me, He filled me, he saved me from my pain, he renewed my purpose. He reminded me why I was created. I realized that he had never left me. Every time I thought he was no longer with me, his grace covered me the entire time. So many things could have happened to me but, my God covered me even when I turned away from him, Thats love! For your Glory X Tasha Cobbs was one of my favorite songs during my time of restoring my relationship with God. I played this song over and over! This song was and still is my testimony, my declaration to God! No matter where his will may take me, I am a willing vessel.

ps. God knows that we are not perfect and he doesn't expect us to be. Never allow the enemy to trick you into believing that you can't be loved by God because of your shortcomings. God knows your struggles and he loves you in spite of them.

"He doesn't wait for us to clean ourselves up or renounce our lifestyles. He finds us where we are and calls us to follow him" - Rich Wilkerson Jr.

Mathew 9:9-13

Thank you.

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